Fuck me...please

 Fuck me….please 


Well fuck me, 2024 was one fucking dry year. I had very high hopes coming into the new year in 2023 watching the fireworks with hopeful eyes even a tear I could say. But that hope has well and truly deserted me as I sit here on Jan 1st one year and 0 shags later. I am currently sat in a soulless Starbucks looking at minimum wage jobs that I don’t even want to do and won’t even get hired for lol. My bank account has never been lower but I can’t help this feeling that I’m either on the cusp of greatness or full blown mental breakdown and embarrassing return to the UK, something I swore up and down I would never do. But honestly I don't know why I am currently abroad. I'm trying to find the reasons, economic greatness certainly not, opportunity and prospects for work not and a year full of lovers and shags obviously not. I think I need to come to the conclusion that the problem is well and truly me. You could put me anywhere right now and I’d still be feeling spineless and meek. I don’t know what happened to me between 17 to now but I don’t like this new gutless version and I'm too nervous to try anything to strike out. Who is she? I have always prided myself on being a loudmouth but right now that loud mouth has deserted me like never before and left a bumbling wreck who is gagging for a boy to pay her any attention, grim I know. 


Where do I start on finding a new sense of purpose if I even had one to begin with, life is seeming so meaningless these days. I can’t stop looking for external validation of my greatness and when I don’t get it…the latest hinge date wants to split the bill I get a little more jaded. I’m not sure what would get me going, a confession of love from a long time friend? A new impressive job, the most gorgeous flat? None of it I bet because I am starving, I am insatiable. There seems to be a bottomless pit in me desperate for achievement, pats on the back and a stamp of coolness, approval from those I give the same stamp to. Fucking yawn, how cliché only a rich bitch has the time for existential dread in this economy. And honestly yeh you’re right I don’t think there is anything unique to this experience, I think your 20s are a juggling act of constant identity shifts, trying people, places, jobs and if you’re not a loser like me then lovers also. 


I want to be a fearless person again, unafraid, unregretful gobbing off to anyone and everyone as I see fit without being riddled with doubt. So that’s my new year's hell, my new life's resolution, to become more of a loud mouth again. I honestly implore you all to be louder, prouder and more annoying than last year. 

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