Bald baddie?

 Epilepsy diaries, Bald baddie

SUDEP, the fear and me, I know it’s very unlikely for me to die from this but it’s niggling in the back of my mind, it’s like a juicy piece of anxiety I'm so desperate to sink into. Knowing it does me no good and is not even really a worry I should have, but it’s so much easier to put my feelings onto something tangible than to actually look myself in the mirror and deal with what I actually am feeling. Which is what? I don’t know exactly some kind of quiet desperation I wish I didn’t feel. A longing to be “special” in some kind of way, but to who for what, why? I think we all probably know the answer. Unfortunately as I'm learning in recent therapy sessions just knowing where something comes from or the name to give it does not actually solve the issue itself. How shit, I know if only it were that simple.


I was meant to have a photoshoot today for an extremely vague friend and it made me feel special to be asked. It really stroked a part of my ego, that is embarrassing to admit but I was really gassed to be asked. This, culminated in days or if I'm honest a week of panicking and internal dread which was very much palpable for my closest friend Sophie who had to bear the brunt of my stress. All in all, after this build up I shaved my hair off not to be having a Britney moment, not that bad but to try claw back some power some autonomy because in my head if I could do something really radical to my appearance with no care or thought for this shoot then I could take the power out that it was having over me.


This only half worked, as after a series of back and forths which included me sending pictures of my new hair in the form of some really awkward mirror selfies. He informed me I was no longer needed 👍and we would for sureee do it another time…. As you can imagine this did indeed send me into a spiral, as I had been stomping around feeling very special all week and now had to come back down to earth that I was not about to have my bald modelling debut but was instead called into my nannying job to have boggies wiped on me by a sassy 4 year old.


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